This isn’t going to flow or be cohesive by any means. I know this the second my fingers hit the keys. But the irony in that is this: neither is real life. It doesn’t always make sense. There’s not even always a moral to the story. That truth, however, doesn’t make life any less beautiful or exhilarating, or all of the adjectives I could use to describe what I’ve come to appreciate about life this year.
It is now the end of July. I’ve accomplished very little of the tangible goals I set out for the year. BUT MY HAVE I LEARNED. I wouldn’t be able to measure what this year so far has proven to be for me. At thirty years old, after a failed marriage, two children, great losses, and an almost constant state of transition for a period of three years…I can actually say everything has worked out beyond what I could have imagined. At a certain point I really, truly let go of expectations, regrets, and my concern over matters that were never within my control in the first place. I literally just decided to be at peace and to try my hardest to make only decisions that would contribute to that peace and to my overall growth. To be unafraid to remove myself from situations (relationships included) that compromised that goal. And so, slowly, I began to purge.
I have watched my love and patience for my children (and myself as well) grow immensely. The confidence I possess in my own strength and abilities has also matured greatly. The small details don’t concern me anymore and I realize that no matter how things play out, they will always work one way or another.
There’s a sort of shame that comes along with evolving. Many people are complacent and may not understand when you make conscious decisions to change your life, especially if the direction you are heading doesn’t suit them. But honestly, the thought of losing others to gain myself no longer scares me or influences me. It is a part of life to grow past people and habits; a necessary one. This process involves a great deal of growing pains, but is well worth it in the end.
These words hit home with me when I read them:
“When it feels scary to jump, that’s exactly when you jump.
Otherwise you end up staying in the same place your whole life.
And that I can’t do.”
(The look of absolute contentment ~ July 21, 2017)